Happy Valentine Day, Deb!
Wow, I didn't mean to celebrate Valentine this year. Just yesterday I forgot that today is Valentine Day. My friend and me talked in the car and we're about to buy a present to his friend when he state the fact that tomorrow is Valentine Day.
I'm just like, "Oh tomorrow is Valentine Day? I totally forgot lol. That's why we talk about this present right? Your friend's birthday is on Valentine Day".
I can't believe it slipped out of my mind. I'm shocked myself because how can I ever forget? I never forget Valentine Day before. Well, there always a first in everything I guess.
To be truth, I kind of losing hope in marriage. I planed to give-up marriage. That's why I don't give a damn for Valentine Day. Who cares? Valentine Day is only for stupid couple in love. I'm not so it's okay if I'm just forget about Valentine Day. For a couple of months I was seriously thinking about being alone for the rest of my life. I'm not planning being celibate, but I kind of don't know what to hope anymore. I was like, "it is necessary to have hope so I can be marriage someday?"
Of course I still want a marriage. I do want kids, if you want to know. So bad. I don't like kids but it's a different story when they're my own children lol. But I don't want to hope anymore. If it's the best for me, I'm okay to live the rest of my life to fulfill God's plan for me. Alone. I'm started thinking to be alone on every Valentine Day. Not that it sound pathetic, lately I realized that being alone (single) is kinda fancy. Maybe this sounds selfish for me to say it but you know, for me marriage is forever selfless life, and I don't want it if it's not with the right person. When a woman decide to be married it's a different matter than a man who decide to be married. There's a LOT of things for woman to sacrifice when they decide to be a wife. My marriage definitely will follow Bible's rule and not some feminism agenda. Yes, I believe in a marriage's life where a woman become submissive to her husband. Not a slave but a submissive. Women priority when they're marriage is her family. Her husband. Her kids. And her part as a wife.
I used to be alone for years and I think it's a pleasure life. I can do anything by myself. I can go anywhere, with anyone, and whenever I want. Marriage no longer a feels like a happy ending for me. Marriage is just a beginning. It's the beginning of submission life and sure, I'll have a lot to sacrifice. Is it worth it?
And honestly I think marriage is tricky. It can be hell or it can be heaven on earth. It depends on yourself and the person you involved your relationship with. Nowadays, I doubt there's a right man out there for me. Not that I think so highly about myself and everyone is nothing compare to me, no not like that, but I used to be left behind. I used for people to give up on me. A loyal guy who wanna stick together through thin and thick with me? I think that kind of guy already sold out haha. Not that I'm thinking so lowly on myself either. I just tired with my own past heart-broken experience. Maybe it's just my traumatized side who's talking but I'm really tired. So, rather than spend the rest of my life in hell, I think not marriage is the best way. I can be happy alone for the rest of my life. I enjoyed my single life so far, so why I'm ruin it by marriage with the wrong person?
If I tell myself 10 years ago that everything gonna go wrong with all my relationship, I would have a panic attack. Maybe I will drowned myself in the pit of sadness and tears. It'll scared the hell out of me. I will not have a life. But just like Amy Santiago said in Brooklyn Nine Nine season 5, life is unpredictable. Not everything is in our control. But as long as you with the right people, you can handle anything.
Right people doesn't limited to spouse or boyfriend or husband. It can be anyone. Family. Friends. Bestfriends. Sisters.
In these two years I met a lot of great people. They're become very important in my life. My support system. They helped me grow and make me see the world in a better perspective. I learned a lot in my life because of them. They give me a love I never expect I will get. They give me attention I never know I needed. They make me realized that I can be very happy even when I'm single. I'm more happy now than when I'm in relationship. It's not that I'm not happy when I was dating in the past few years but the happiness I feel right now is priceless. For the first time in my life I feel so comfortable being myself. I'm an awkward person but I'm not insecure with that fact anymore. I'm not a people pleaser anymore. It's okay if people doesn't like me. I didn't need their acceptance to think I'm worth it. It's a beautiful feeling and I love it. I think every year I make progress. I always more thankful than ever. I'm still learning but I know I'm one step ahead.
Yes, there was a time when I'm in despair. Sometimes I hate life. Hate my situation and my family. There's a stressful day and sometime I regret being alive. I would give-up everything and think that my life is suck. Just recently, I feel exactly that. Everything is useless. I can't get myself a boyfriend that my mom really hope and I feel like I failed her. My job is stuck. It's been two years since my salary didn't increase. No matter how hard I tried I'm not going anywhere. I hate those feeling. I'm trapped on my galauness. I'm jealous with anyone who happily married and have a successful business. We live in the same country, same city but why our life so different? I started to think that life is very unfair. And I hate it every second.
But God is very faithful. I know, deep down in my heart that I'm not okay. I convinced myself that everything okay. I'm good. Honestly, I'm not okay. There's a bitterness in my heart that I tried to ignore. Half-part of me is hella fine. But there's a half-part of me who's hella scared too. Forget about my saving, my back account sound like ka-ching every time I checked it. I still survive. But the pressure my mom give me about marriage started making me sick. I do want a relationship. But somehow, I'm reluctant to involved myself in a relationship. Like, I can't trust anyone to hold my heart. Every time I opened my heart, it become very scary and without realizing I back away slowly. Well, I know I'm not that bad (honestly there's no one who really take my breath away so maybe I'm just not in love with anyone) but there's really something going on with me. I have a very serious wound I tried to hide. God knows that. And he tried to fixed me.
I always want myself to be stronger. Not such a fragile woman with emotions. So I pretend that I'm strong and cool. Who am I kidding tho? God knows everything about me so He tried to speak to me in a million way possible. He know I love reading love stories, He know I love watching movie, He know I love to listening love song, He know I'm a simp for beautiful words, He know I like to analyze ANYTHING that thought-provoking me (it can be A LOT of things), He know I love HOT guys, He know I love love, so He speak to me through all of that. He speak to me softly through heart-breaking movie (with a HOT actor and intriguing story), He know I have a things for movie with meaning. So He make me watched movie who I hate most (cause it make me feel things) and learned something from it. He give me a lot of things to think about through movies, love stories and songs. He even speak to me through infotainment news lol.
What a way to reach me. But I love that. It's so me and He just know. He just spread out those provoking clue in my head. And I'm gladly collecting all the clues. It's a very fun game for me. This is my playground. He know me so well so I don't have a choice but to listen to Him.
And this Valentine Day I heard Sidney Mohede newest single, Only You.
I know this song is for a couple. The lyrics is very sweet. Every word sounds like a poem and a wedding vow. But what I love the most from the song is the melody. It is so beautiful and so good it bring tears to my eyes. The voice, the lyrics, the "Andy Rianto" arrangement, and the movie video is a killer combination. It touched me deeply. The first time I heard it, I know this song will blessed lots of people. They already blessed me and warmed my heart so much. I believe it can do the other the same.
The message in the end of the movie video is a word "Don't give up". With black background. It's very simple. Not as sweet as the stories in the whole video but the only matter for me is that word. The word means the world to me. It's a like an answer to all of my soreness.
I'm about to give-up on marriage. I seriously do. I just planned to tell it to my parent and make them understand my decision. But I can't put it into words. I don't know what to say to them until I saw the video. There's a part on the video when the female lead said "I don't dare to hope". I can relate to that in so many level. Maybe our context is very different but it's basically the same. Tomato Potato. That's why the word "Don't give up" HIT me so hard. I think the message is very personal for me. I believe that's what God tried to tell me all this time.
I'm crying so hard and very thankful I'm alone in my room tonight lol.
For me the message of this song is to never give-up on myself. I think I'm already overcome my broken-hearted phase and see relationship in a better perspective. But no, there's a lot of baggage I need to put down. Honestly I'm just afraid. I'm afraid to hurt. I'm afraid to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm afraid I never experience a true love in my life. I'm afraid people leave me again. I'm afraid I never found the right one for me. I'm afraid I'm not the one in control on my life anymore. Actually, I don't have to. I don't need to be afraid. Not everything in my control. I just need Him to be a God in my life. I can't let my past determine my future. Not everyone have a crappy relationship. Those who still believe in commitment and hard work in relationship is still exist. Me. I can start it with myself first.
This month is like a journey for me. I never meant to celebrate Valentine Day cause I'm single.
But Valentine is not only about love between couple. It's a love day. It's the love itself that we need to celebrate. Through this emotional ride of days, God tried to told me that. Keep believe in Him. Don't lose hope.
He gave me a revelation about Love. His love for me is endless and I can drown in His love forever. Anytime. Anywhere. He gave me the chance to see myself in better shape. He let me battling my own emotions and guiding me through and through. He let me know what kind of emotion I have and deal with it. He told me to keep moving on, one step at a time, even it's very hard, it'll be worth it in the end. He make me feels His love even when I failed myself. He talked to me in a way that only me can understand. He tried to reached me every time I'm running away from Him, myself and my negative emotions. He told me to let go the wheel and let Him in control. He's the anchor when I'm hopeless.
An the most important thing was He never give up on me.
I think this phase is important for me. Before I can state the word "I love you" for the love of my life, I need to feel it first. I need to feel loved so I can love another. I need to madly deeply in love with The Love itself so I can give it to someone else. I need to throw out this baggage on my back and freed myself from the past trauma I never realized I have. I read lot of message today that said to prepare myself to be a great partner. Love doesn't come when you wanted it. It comes to you when you ready. With the up and down emotions I feel right now, I still need time to readiness myself.
Thanks God for this lovely Valentine Day. I'm alone yet I feel so loved all day. With surprise gift from my bestfriend and this secret moment in my heart, I'm happy it all happened on Valentine Day.
I believe, someday He will give meaning to a word of LOVE that I adored so much.
